you left the frays

bornheartbroken @ 2009-11-22T21:40:00

2009-11-23T05:56:38Z

When will this feeling go away?

It feels like someone has died. I have reached such a rock bottom that I don't even cry anymore. It won't help. I can't get him back. I don't want to get him back. He made his choice and I am satisfied with it. He was honestly the first thing in a really long time to make me happy. He made me smile so much more than I ever have. He filled my heart with happiness again. But he changed. We both changed. And that's ok. We didn't change together. That was our problem.

He taught me a lot of things though. He taught me never to trust anyone fully. Never to plan too far ahead. Never to get your hopes up too high because you'll always be let down. I let him into my world and I let him take control. He was so young. He was too young I guess. Everything became all about him and that's alright. That's how people are when they grow up.

I wish I could have been as big of a part in his life as he was in mine. I wish we would have spoken more and fixed what was broken sooner. I have many regrets but I know this was all for the best. I wasn't meant for him. He'll find someone better. Prettier. More fun. It just wasn't my time to find my Prince.

I miss all the good times we had together. They seem to balance out all the bad. All I can do now is deep cleansing breaths and to walk forward.

He was my first love. The one I'll measure everyone against. He was perfect. Just not perfect for me.

bornheartbroken @ 2008-04-29T14:12:00

2008-04-29T21:28:32Z

It's not so much a storm
But just a cloud that lives inside of me.
He doesn't stir so easily these days but when he wakes
He goes the distance in a marathon of days too long.
Open containers that sing songs.
You'll never dream again but you can pray.
I guess we only settle in to what we know.
I guess we always settle in and we know
That there is comfort in a world
Where darkness is the only thing we see
And cold is all we have to breathe.
Where affectations keep us company.
Where the lies we tell to the eyes that roll in doubt
Are somehow out of our control.
It's not about the scars, but more the crowds that walk all over me.
They don't give up too easily these days
But when they break they go to pieces.
Fall apart right here in north side bars
Under a sky that knows no stars.
You'll never shine again but you will stay.
I guess we only settle in to what we know.
I guess we always settle in, and we know
That there is comfort in a world
Where darkness is the only thing we see
And cold is all we have to breathe.
Where affectations keep us company.
Where the lies we tell to the eyes that roll in doubt
Are somehow out of our control.

I guess I don't really know what I'm doing with my life.
I've been told I need to quit my job and get a new one.
My last job I had for 3 years and decided I needed a change.
I've been in this job, getting close to 3 years.
It's not that I need a change, it's that this isn't what I want to do.
I need to do something that has to do with my major.
I've been approached with the option of moving for a year.
Being somewhere else will maybe not make me so naieve and sheltered.
I don't know if it's set in stone yet that it's an actual possiblility but if I do decide to leave here, it'll be in 2 months.
Maybe I could actually extend it out to be like end of July..
One thing that weighs heavily on my mind is leaving this job.
I feel like too many people have left lately and they really can't handle another person quitting on them.
There are new people and I can't leave them struggling.
Honestly what's here that I need to stay for?
I basically have no ties here.
I haven't talked/seen my friends is months.
I have no significant other that cares to speak to me for more than a week.
I won't be going to school.
I never see my brother.
All I have are my parents.
Everyone needs to leave home sometime.
Maybe this is my time.
I'm stressing out with a month left of class.
I'm worried about my job.
I'm fucking up every relationship.
And I'm OVER being upset..

Please. Make it all go away.

bornheartbroken @ 2007-11-02T21:04:00

2007-11-03T04:08:07Z

This is a big FUCK YOU! To the man who won't call. We KNOW what's going on whether you want to tell us or not. FUCK YOU for calling your brother who you hate. FUCK YOU for having him drive from Solvang. FUCK YOU for not informing me. I hope to never see your fucking face for the rest of my life you selfish bastard.

bornheartbroken @ 2007-05-12T21:03:00

2007-05-13T04:03:58Z